As the fire engulfed Brinvok he heard a thumping, it sounded as if it were coming from everywhere, getting louder and louder as if the whole world were vibrating with this now deafening thumping sound. Suddenly he awoke, the thumping sound ended up being the footsteps of the Baolab thudding on the ground, his whole world was turned upside down. He then realized he was upside down, he was flung over its shoulder and saw the burning remnants of the city in the distance. He began to try to wriggle free of the beast who has him held by the legs, the beast noticed Brinvok stirring and said,
“At least the baby awakes, do you like the view back there? Don’t be upset, there's no one there to be sad for.”
“You killed them all? How could you do that?”
“You give me too much credit, a few did run, but those who did not flee, who were paralyzed by terror or tried to fight the inevitable, yes did perish.”
“I will destroy you, your group have done nothing but terrorize us.”
“Us, terrorize you?” The Baolab said with bitterness that Brinvok could taste. “Ever since your kind crawled out of the caves we have been driven to the farthest corners of the earth, and now that we are finally returning the favor, we are the villains?”
The city grew dimmer and dimmer as the beast carried him farther and farther away, he also noticed that they were not going in the direction of civilization, they were going farther and farther away.
Soon dawn began to break and he could tell that the Baolab, being a nocturnal animal was growing fatigued, the beast found a cliff that overhung a just enough to shield the beast from the rising sun, the beast released Brinvok and clutched him in its tail as it went to sleep.
Brinvok looked around frantically for his axe, which was not on his back, he noticed that it was clutched in the beast’s second pair of arms, there was no way he could reach it without climbing out of its grasp, he stretched as far as he could until it felt as though his upper body would separate from his lower half, he could only get close enough to touch the hilt. Brinvok felt hopeless and it seemed as though there was no way out of being stuck with this creature until it took him wherever it was taking him.
I like where this story is going. I could not say the same from Brinvok’s point of view. The beast talks kind of weird, to be honest. I get that you are writing the threats of a mighty creature, but the grammar is a bit off. Maybe address some of the dialogue to make it flow more freely. Also, some of the descriptions are repetitive, like “beast carried him farther and farther away, he also noticed that they were not going in the direction of civilization, they were going farther and farther away.” Other than that, I am still enjoying and anticipating what will happen to Brinvok next.
ReplyDelete